Fast & the Furious – Tokyo Drift (AKA Forrest Gump Gets a Lobotomy)

A Review by Greg Merritt

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 35%

 

This has to be rock bottom. It can’t possibly get any worse. Unless Fast & Furious 4 was written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan, it has to be better. Watching Tokyo Drift was like eating fistfuls of horse manure covered in glass, sand and soy sauce.

First of all, they sunk 85 million dollars into this movie. Why not make sure to keep a couple dollars left on the side to hire a lead actor that is actually a real actor? Apparently in the search for the 17 yr old leading man; the casting director (completely out of money and down to a few warm beers and an old egg salad sandwich in his possession) hit the streets and found an older, balding, functionally retarded gentleman that looks and sounds exactly like Forrest Gump after contracting a brain parasite. When the director said he wanted a “drifter,” I don’t think he meant an actual homeless person. This guy made this joke of a movie infinitely worse than the steaming dung pile it would have been without him. The Japanese extras spoke better English than Gump Diesel.

Oh boy, so here we go again. I’ve seen this plot about twenty times in the past. F&F seems to be all about recycling other terrible movies or TV shows. This is the one where a troubled kid (Gump Diesel) just can’t stay out of trouble. Apparently he just likes racing cars too much and for the third time he causes a ton of property damage and totals his car. Why can’t he see that maybe he’s just not very good at racing cars? Why not try something else, maybe acting lessons or seeing how deep you can dig a hole until it caves in? So anyway he’s sent off to live with his dad in some sort of storage closet in Tokyo. We get the treat of meeting another spectacular character named Twinkie (who goes by “Twink” and equally embarrassing, his name in real life is Lil Bow Wow). So Twink Bow Wow and some other random dude take Gump Diesel under their wings and bring him into their circle of drifting. Drifting is the ridiculous practice of destroying your brakes and transmission while going around and around crowded parking garages moderately fast. This “racing” world quickly gets our hero Gump mixed up with the Yakuza Japanese Mafia, because it’s Japan and a shitty Hollywood movie so of course that happens… How will he get out of this serious & life threatening trouble now? Did you just guess “by racing?” Yep- it was either that or dancing. All these f’ing movies follow the same formula. Anyway, I couldn’t wait to see how they would tie in a big drifting race to fix everything with the mafia in a way that wouldn’t insult the small amount of intelligence I have left. Here’s how they did it so smoothly- they said, “FU-K you audience! We don’t have the slightest clue how to write or make a transition that actually makes sense, so just cram this big log of unbelievable and hastily-put-together garbage down your throat and swallow!” This was my breaking point, but just like Gump Dizzle in the work of art I was watching, I hung in there and pulled it together to get to the end victoriously. Oh, and what a treat too. We get a HUGE celebrity cameo! OMG is that… Yes! It’s really Vin Diesel! The super famous star from the first one, back again right after his blockbuster smash The Pacifier and some other movie that made a whopping $600,000 at the box office!

This was terrible. Just awful. Do yourself a favor and don’t ever see this movie or talk to anyone that admits seeing it, including me. You really shouldn’t have even read this review. I apologize.

Rotten Tomatoes was way too generous here. As for me, I give it 1 Gump Head out of 10,000.